Whining About The Future

I wanted to make a Things I Love Thursday post but my sister reminded me that it was already Friday today, so I didn't go through with it. Maybe I should just make a Things I Love September post for the tons of blessings I've received for my birth month. This is not related to my real intention for coming up with this post, too much for that.

I'm making a quick post for my future self to reminisce at. I'd look back a year from now and see if anything has changed at all, or if I'm still a slacker who waits for opportunities to come to her. One thing for sure, I still don't see myself being a big shot pro at my profession. Sad to say that I'm still coming to terms that I'm stuck in this class and economy where high paying jobs are more important than your dream. Now, there's the obvious problem. I've seen only a few people living up to their childhood-teenage profession dreams. For sure, I'm not one of them. My head's still stuck up in the clouds thinking that I could get away with not having a life and living off my mother's pay check. But no matter how much I want to run from it, I have to face the reality of me being 21 years old and the responsibilities that come with that.

The thing that I hate about this lag period is the endless nagging from my relatives abroad. I want to hide from them and not answer their long-distance calls. I know my gestures are a bit ungrateful, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful they are there to help me but I don't like the tone they use when they talk to me about my future. As if they have the full authority to dictate every move I have to do in my life. I have to do things on my own time. But I also have to move fast, or else it would be difficult to get in the next time. 

So right now, I honestly do not know where to stand. I'm a bit clueless about my future. I'm not even sure if I love what I'm doing.

Do I sound like a teenager who is whining about people ruining her life?

We try and we try, but we fail.

Failure isn't an option they say.

But in these past few months, I've experienced failure after failure. EPIC FAIL as the interwebs coined it. No, I didn't fail any subjects, in fact I'm doing average in uni and it's expected to stay that way. Life, that's where I generally fail. Relationships, another downer. Social life, oh, I don't have that.

It's not fun anymore. I don't know if it's the inferiority complex or life in general. And no, I am not going to cut or kill myself.

I am yet into another dysfunctional relationship. I am with the most amazing person there ever is and yet I fail to see what that person does for me. I am so grateful that Bam loved me the way I am despite me looking like a complete mess; picked me up the time my past threw me away and shattered me into tiny pieces. But the thing is, I haven't forgotten about my past yet. It's heartbreaking that I am hurting somebody else while I wallow in pain.

I'd like to run away, and take long bus trips to nowhere and fade into oblivion. Is that too much to ask?

31 Days More...

...And I'll be declared dead.

I've been under the weather for weeks now. There's the noticeable change in my personality plus I've been getting much morose as the days add on. Heading to a depressed state? I don't think so but I think it's where I'll end up.

Relationship with a boy named A is sinking. I have no words to describe what we've gone through. We're not together anymore, but we've had constant communication from the day we officially called it quits. Our relationship is the understatement of ill. That thing they say "We're each others' oxygen", is probably true as one cannot live without the other. I can't breathe, not because he's not with me, but because I feel like I'm imprisoned. I want to break free from him. I want to forget him so bad that I cry every night while praying to God begging him to help me not love A anymore. I don't feel loved, I don't feel important when he's there. But I'm afraid to break free and leave him.

...and that's the story of My July.