21st

(Sorry for bombarding you with past events, etc. We need to catch up, blog.)

I turned 21 last September 2. The things is, I don't feel any older. 

The main reason why I decided to pack up right away and leave some unfinished business in Legazpi was because I wanted to celebrate my birthday in Manila, with the people I love. Being stuck in Legazpi for more than 6 months made me miss all the luxuries I had when I still resided in the Metro. Also, eating out without worrying about the expenses is something I always looked forward to.

We decided to go to Rockwell to have my mini-birthday dinner. Everyone was craving for steak so I had to succumb even though I badly wanted to eat sushi. My uncle led us to Pepper Lunch, the first steak restaurant we saw. It seemed like a good idea to stay and just eat since I was starting to be grumpy. Hungy Pauline is not to be messed with. Something sparked inside me upon seeing the Japanese characters on the sign, I didn't expect too much though. The restaurant was partly Japanese, so I settled with that. Silly liason, I know. 

We arrived there around 6pm, dinner time and man, costumers were starting to pile up. Good thing the line didn't take too long. I got myself the Pepper Steak and they got the Rib Eye Steak, Beef Pepper Rice and Chicken Pepper Rice. It wasn't really "fast food" unlike what other people said. It took them long enough for us to be too grumpy by the time they pulled it out from the kitchen. It was rush hour, what did we expect?

Realization (And The Infinite Sadness)

I used to spend a lot of my, as I'd like to call it, in-between free time (the lag period between post-graduation and training) on Tumblr - discovering a new different set of people. People who are actually cool and I wished I knew in real life. I'm not the 13 year old kid who used to talk to everyone she meets online, so I follow and stay quiet and be amazed at how awesome these people are. Thanks to them I opened my ears and eyes to limitless number of films, books, bands and crazy good music which are most of the time obscure and/or classic. Though it's quite late to think of it, I set myself on at least being half of what these people are. Now, I always feel unaccomplished whenever I compare myself to these 20-something year-olds. I envy them because they're happy with what they are doing... and I'm not.

Believing that I'm still experiencing quarter-life crisis, I convinced myself on continuing what I've already started doing. Try it out for a year or two and see what happens. But almost 5 months into it, I'm already feeling tired and drained. Both drained of energy and interest for this job. It doesn't help that a lot of the people I've met in this training are old hags and witches. Yes it's a rough world out there and nobody, NOBODY could have it that easy (Okay, maybe kids like, oh I dunno, Paris Hilton), I understand that.

I feigned my extreme headache so I could skip work today. I'm not getting paid anyway. I'm just tired and I need a big bear hug from someone who could comfort me and encourage me to hold on. Only a few people could do that and they're so far away from me, it's making me depressed.

I hate that I'm so pessimistic. I spend a lot of time everyday convincing myself that what I'm doing will benefit me in the long run. This is experience and experience means job with pay and job with pay means overseas work and overseas work means lots of money. This third-world mentality is ridiculous.

I just want to be happy with what I'm doing. You can't love what you're not happy with.

Wants (And The Lack of Motivation to Do/Get Them)

Spurts of envy makes me write blog post. I'm not a regular blogger, hell even an occasional one. Reading other amazing people's blogs inspires me. The problem is it lasts for about a millisecond. I tend to get tired (read: lazy) after I make a concrete plan on what I want to write about. After the thought process, if I'm not too drained, I end up writing about, well, things like this. I am in denial that these are just excuses. My English high school professor once told me I just needed a little polish and maybe, maybe I could be a good writer. That person is nowhere to be found.

I want to write a book review, write a movie review, write a proper blog post. I want to read more books and watch more movies. I want to go on a diet. I want to start my own paper crafts business. I want to take more photographs and make prints out of them. I want to be a better hobbyist. I want to achieve awesomeness. And it's sad that all of these don't relate to what I am doing right now. Eh.

Why is laziness taking over my life?

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Observations:
- I notice my excessive (and sometimes incorrect) use of the Oxford Comma.
- My posts needs proof-reading.
- I need to act on what I really want to do.

To The Point of Being (Almost) Socially Awkward

I usually talk to my friend Yvette about my day. Events which are usually uninteresting. I love her for her patience with a basketcase like me. I feel sorry for her at times when I'm really frustrated, angry and when I think I'm terribly depressed. Last week, we had a talk about (my) past loves-slash-crushes and both of us mentioned the boy I supposedly had my first date with. Think poor man's Atom Araullo. Boy, did I fall for him. After hours of reminiscing, comparing which of my crushes was the better one and crying over spilled milk, we concluded that we should do better this year when it came to our social life and inexistent love life. She's slowly immersing into the single market and I'm stuck in my room listening to Ingrid Michaelson's break-up album while refreshing postcard forums.

Yvette said something along the lines of, "You are always awkward". I also blurted out something like, "OHMYGOD! I really am awkward!". This brings us to this post, To The Point of Being (Almost) Socially Awkward. How do people know what are the right things to say at the right time? I've had experiences with telling people interesting bits about my life where they look at me quizzically when I stop. It's as if they're still waiting for me to end my sentence, when in fact I already did. That forces me to say "Yeah, so that's it" and the awkward silence suddenly fills the air. 

Before the conversation Yvette and I had, I used to think I was awkward only with the people I had bad history with. By "people", I meant the ones who witnessed my embarrassing tirades in high school and the boys I innocently threw myself at. I was a high schooler, I really didn't know that my actions would dampen the spirits of future Pauline. Honestly, I'm laughing at how clueless I was back then. I probably am the most assuming person at that time. High school Pauline didn't know that players existed back then and that she was a victim of poor man's Atom Araullo's evil schemes to collect girls. After that, maturity happened and I will be forever known as one of the most straight-faced, boring people in college. I come to the conclusion that I am now very awkward. 

It would be a nice addition to my New Year's Resolution; Be less awkward. Look approachable. Try to break the ice. Believe me, this, for me, requires a lot of work. I'm terrible at actual conversations with people I barely know. Put 2 laptops in between us, open messenger, I think I'll do better. I'm a dubious person. I think people talk to me because they're trying to be nice to me. It might be because I don't feel well about myself. 

Hello, 2011. Let me be less awkward to people I talk to. 

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This is a post (kind of) dedicated to Yvette who claims to have been my friend for almost 10 years now. Now I could genuinely use the phrase "We go way back" when I talk about you, without feeling like a creeper. Yvette, you are an amazing friend, for without you, I would be lost in the maze of young adulthood.

Pauline's Christmas Wishlist

It's that time of the year again where you cry because you didn't get the things on your treasured wishlist. Hehe. Why so mean? Because I can be mean and I look like The Grinch when I wince. I'm mean (sometimes) but unlike the Grinch, I love Christmas. It's the only time where family and friends forget their differences, and hidden dislike for each other (gladly, we don't have those feelings). Good people around you and food you get to eat only during the holidays. Diet? What diet?

The last time I posted a Christmas wishlist was when I was still using Diary-X as my blog host. I never posted another one after that. I figured it wouldn't come true anyway. And at that time, I didn't consider listing things that are attainable and affordable. I'll do it right this time.

The list! The list!





1. Owl Jewelry
 I do not care if I will be called as the Owl lady. C'mon, how can you not like these things? I'm not an avid fan of jewelry. My mom once asked me why I can't appreciate beautiful things such as diamonds, pearls and gold necklaces. My answer: Because they make my skin itch. But because we are taking about these magical owls as part of my outfit, as far as I know, I love jewelry.





2. Postcard Sets
Postcrossing has played a big part in my life as a bum. So far I've received 17 postcards from 11 countries and I want more! It's addicting, I tell ya. The idea is pure genius. I'm slowly easing into trading postcards and tags in the forum. Our local postcard designs here are redundant and you can't find much variety in them. It would be nice to see something new among my slowly growing collection. DC Comics and book covers? They scream my name.





3. Mobile Scanner
I've been asking my mom for a baby Shih Tzu eversince I saw those cute ones in Tiendesitas. Since I moved to the province and my grandparents have experience with these kind of dogs, I thought finally getting a dog would be a good idea. I've pondered on how much attention this breed needs and frankly, I think I won't have enough time to tend to their needs. Yes, my grandparents would occasionally take over but I'm still responsible for that future dog.

This is what I asked for instead. Main reason of wanting this is for scanning the postcards I received. Ridiculous. But I know this hobby would be a permanent one and a scanner could really help. Another use for this is for authorization letters. I left some important things in Manila and I can't just fly there and take care of it.
I ask my sister to do them for me. Haha.

I will probably get a regular scanner.

The Brownout Debacle

I luckily didn't break my left leg.

It's times like these, when you look back and say, "Oh hello there stupidity. You came at a very bad time."

It was Tuesday night. I was reading Big Bang Theory fanfiction, when the lights turned off. No, this is not the climax yet. My uncle came out with battery powered neon lights and set them up with the chandelier. It was bright again. This house has a long history of ghosts, white ladies and magical creatures. Of course I was scared to go down in my room alone. So, I chatted for a while with my grandmother at the sala and repeatedly told her that I was scared. I was half expecting her to tell me she'll come with me but she yawned, signalling me that she's going to sleep. I was left at the sala, so I had no other choice but to go down and lock myself up in my little box. Armed with candles and stupidity, I warily came down the stairs. I was so close to getting off the stairs safely. Long story short: I missed the third step and landed with my left leg first. Considering my weight and the force of impact, I am thankful all I got was a sprained ankle.

I need to walk by the 15th. Guh.

Life So Far, Etc.

I like to pretend I've been doing the world some good while I was away from this webplace. The truth is I've been polluting the couch of my grandparent's house and leeching off their food. Couchsurfing, I think, is the term. Not using it exactly in the right context, but I think you get what I mean. I'm currently in the province, seeking for greener pastures. Pun not intended.

I've been waiting for this text from a Nursing Supervisor in one of the hospitals here. The waiting is killing me. It's something I actually want to happen. Experience from a regional hospital is an impressive addition to my dead resume. I do have plans on working in other countries for the sole purpose of earning money for books, postcards, stamps, and more books. Selfish. When this week started, I promised myself I would go through my review exams to prepare for the hospital assessment exam. If I've stayed true to that promise, I wouldn't be working on this right now.

I'm keeping a written journal as of now. With too much time on my hands, I was able to put into mind to write about my boring adventures, inside the house of course. Do you want to know my very enjoyable routine?

• 6:30 AM: I wake up automatically. The province has this effect on people. It makes them wake up early. Living beside a main road might be the main contributing factor to that effect, at least for me.
• 8:00 AM: After breakfast, my daily internet rounds happen. Check Gmail, Yahoo Mail, Tumblr, Facebook and then spend time in the Postcrossing Forum for no reason at all. If I get bored, I play The Sims. Then I would get fidgety and check the forum and my e-mail alternately for the rest of the morning.
• 11:45 AM: Lunch
• 1:30 PM: Resume activities
• 6:00 PM: Dinner
• 7:00 PM onwards: Resume checking the forum and my e-mail until I feel sleepy. 

What an exciting life! Are you jealous of my free time and unemployed state? I get to waste time and focus on getting fat while you work your ass off in that merciless workplace. 

Honestly, I feel bad for the state I am in right now. 

Widely Known Profession

It's another one of those weeks where I have so much free time in my hands, I don't even know what to do with it. Being productive is negative since I haven't been productive, productive in quite a few months. Sure I've done some origamis, took some pictures, looked for trouble in the right places - but that doesn't scream productive in the way I scream productive, if you know what I mean.

In these three months, I've been pretty useless for mankind. Take long afternoon naps, get a headache after. Did the world attain world peace? No. Did my mom like me lounging around the house all day? No. Did my sister like me poking around her daily business? No. Comparing myself to my friends - they're up there, I'm down here. They look for jobs, I'm "Juana Tamad" waiting for a job offer to knock at my door.






So here I am, instead, discovering the wonderful world of movies and fiction. Watching movies I haven't heard before. Reading books everyone has been raving about (except that one about vampires, 'cause I stopped reading halfway through Eclipse when I figured out things were too much for me) and I've seen with great reviews and ratings. Getting a new TV that plays .avi and .mkv files also added to the excitement of not spending money on pirated DVDs.

I'm running out of things to do.

The Adult Life

I should've made this the day I turned 20.

I had no intentions on making changes when I turned 20. It's nice to set goals but please, I still don't take me, being an adult seriously. Well, I see the problem now. I spent my birthday with my mom and people I barely know. My mother thought it would be a good idea to bring me along to La Union and while she packs her things and relieve herself from her assignment there, I go to some spa and enjoy myself. I thought it would be a good idea to go with her because I can have more "alone time" and I can finish reading  The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (which I've never finished, until now). I never got to do what I really wanted. It was okay, but I still wished I spent it with the whole family, and friends, if it was possible.

I passed the Nursing Licensure Exam and I'm extremely thankful that my prayer has been answered. Siguro hindi naman ako ipapasa ni God kung wala sa plano niyang maging Nurse ako. Let's just leave it at that.

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I thought it was a big thing. You know, turning 20. The BIG 2-0, I used to say. I thought it will make you feel great and amazing. I thought it was a life changing monumental event. I thought something would spark within me... It just feels the same. I don't know if it's the hormones. I surely know it's not that time of the month. But I bet that there's a psychologic reaction to my age-changing. I felt as if I already have a shitload of responsibilities, stop acting like a teenager- 'cause I'm no longer one, start being an adult. Maybe it's the 'cause of unemployment? A reaction to weight gain, boredom, sedentary lifestyle and my mother, now, constantly reminding me to look for work? Whatever it is, the fact that I'm a year older will scream in my face everytime I procrastinate.

I better start moving.

The Major Butterflies In Your Stomach Event of 2010

It's results week, and it is nerve-wracking. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think next week is the last week of August. Next next week is quite impossible to be the last week of August, since it's halfway between the last days of August and the start of September (start of the Christmas season, and yay my birthday!).

Waiting is worse than taking the exam itself. When you take the exam, you're nervous but then you tell yourself over and over again to be confident. So you succeed and don't panic because you've conditioned yourself to answer the questions based on your understanding, critical thinking and stored knowledge. In regards to waiting for the result; yes you could divert your attention, you could apply for a job. But the thought will still linger, did you or did you not pass? What will happen when the results come out? I'm really anxious and I could vomit any minute now, please release the results, I beg you! Have mercy!

I am not very good with coping with anxiety and stress when it comes to these things. I mean, this is life changing. This is not some test you take in college, feel okay if you fail because you've done extremely well in other tests. I will not feel okay if I fail. No, I won't go as far as killing myself because of the depression that will come along with it. Congratulations! You failed! Please take the depression as your consolation prize! Just imagine the shame, the ruined expectations, the oh-my-god-I'm-so-terrible thoughts, questions like: Am I stupid? Am I not destined to be a (insert hoped profession here)? Now, putting myself in a jolly disposition and with a positive attitude, I'm going to pass, *wink *wink. Despite the bad coping mechanisms, a positive attitude and a hopeful insight are the things that makes me go through the day with less worries.

But still, I am quite nervous about the results. Wish me good luck please.

Good luck future nurses of the Philippines.

Not busy, not at all.

The reason why I drag myself to write blog entries now is that I want to feel like I'm doing something. It's been a while. I am sincerely writing this because I feel like it and not because I feel it's an obligation to update this. Since I have so much spare time in my hands, this could be a part of a daily or a weekly routine. Oh, yes, not really.

When I was trying to get rid of school-related objects in my room, I found this brown recycled notebook I used to write on when I was an angst-ridden, lovestruck teenager. It wasn't that long ago, I still even remember forcing myself to finish a little essay about Koreanovelas. Hah! Of all the things to write about in this universe, I thought of that. Anyway, the notebook contained this part I intended on filling with essays about love teams and individuals that were interesting to me. I noticed I was very fond of Simon Cowell, Daniel and Emma, Lovers in Paris, Clay and Kelly (without acknowledging the fact that Clay could be gay), and the classic Harry/Hermione. Well there are far more people in there, but I couldn't mention them without embarrassing myself. As corny and weird as it may seem, I actually enjoyed it during that time. It's a proof that I was once an irrational fangirl that overlooked the facts and believed what I wanted to believe in. I wanted to whack myself in the head with the notebook and bury it where no living soul could find it. But I'll treasure it, it also serves as a reminder that I once aspired to be a writer and that in one point in my life I almost filled a notebook with random babbling.

Ah hell, up to now, looking at my recent posts, I still sound like a 12 year old girl with a sparkly blog. Some things never change.

The wormhole spitted me out.

Hey. Hi.

God knows how long I've been gone, eh, about 7 months. Oh look at that! I've been having these urges, you know; plans, I sometimes call them. It's an on and off thing. There are times when you badly want to blog because you want to, but then again you don't get to do it because it's exhausting. Exhausting because I'll mix it with my studying for the storm that is the NLE.

So, yes, many things have happened in the 7 months that I've been on hiatus. Graduation, board exam, and now me being a colossal bum. Anyway, this blog only served as a Plan B when I feel like putting my hands into work when my mouth can't express how shitty or great my day is. It's also the other option when my thoughts are too long or too personal to be put in tumblr. Hehe.

Hey there! I'm a new graduate. Well, it's been 3 months now. And as much as I want to catch up with all the things I missed while I was reviewing, I really want to work now. The bad thing is, as of now, I don't want any work relating to the medical field. Oh, what the hell am I saying? I'll probably take this back when I start working. I'll start missing on the things that I want to do or watch or read. Honestly, I don't have a clear career path. Hell, I don't even have a plan. What will I do with my life? I'd like to think I'm still in the "Denial" stage of "Oh hey, I'm a kid fresh off college and now what?"stages.

As of now, I'm a bum. Alagang baboy as my mom would like to call me. Like I'm hibernating for the winter. Maybe it's the hidden anxiety from wondering if I passed the board exam (I still have to wait for 2 mos before the results are released) or maybe it's just extreme boredom and the thought that I still want to do so much but I don't know how to.

The "eat, sleep, series marathon, fic reading" routine could suffice for the time being.

We try and we try, but we fail.

Failure isn't an option they say.

But in these past few months, I've experienced failure after failure. EPIC FAIL as the interwebs coined it. No, I didn't fail any subjects, in fact I'm doing average in uni and it's expected to stay that way. Life, that's where I generally fail. Relationships, another downer. Social life, oh, I don't have that.

It's not fun anymore. I don't know if it's the inferiority complex or life in general. And no, I am not going to cut or kill myself.

I am yet into another dysfunctional relationship. I am with the most amazing person there ever is and yet I fail to see what that person does for me. I am so grateful that Bam loved me the way I am despite me looking like a complete mess; picked me up the time my past threw me away and shattered me into tiny pieces. But the thing is, I haven't forgotten about my past yet. It's heartbreaking that I am hurting somebody else while I wallow in pain.

I'd like to run away, and take long bus trips to nowhere and fade into oblivion. Is that too much to ask?

Do you remember, dancing in September?

I will never make ridiculous plans ever again. See, I get disappointed whenever I'm not able to comply with my life plans. I'll try to be spontaneous when the need "to-be" arises.

Today had one of the most scorching hot afternoons, I woke up from my siesta with beads of sweat dripping down my chest and forehead. It might sound like I look like a pornstar, but trust me it's far from that. I couldn't use the lone AC unit in the house because my mom was sleeping in that room. I wanted to chill, she wanted to sleep.

95 days before Christmas. That's the 5th or 6th time I used that line today. It's a new photo-project, more in the lines of Project 365 (which I attempted to do, but failed miserably). It's also a "renewing myself" plan. I realized I was getting unhealthy in all human aspects, so I had to change.

Yay! I didn't eat rice today, but I did eat motherloads of carbs. From baked potato topped with corned beef, bacon bits and cheese to cheetos and a burger. Um excuse me miss, are you on a diet?

It's still September right?

Well hello there intarwebz and blogger blog. How are you? I haven't touched you for, what, a month or two already? I've been busy and I've been too lazy. Plus, my life haven't been so interesting lately. Many have happened, some are significant but not worth writing about. By the way I turned 19 last September 2, it's one of the worst days of my life. It feels weird to say "Hi, I'm Pauline and I'm 19 years old."

I told myself that blogging isn't an obligation. I'm not obliged to write about myself and swear and squee and spill out my heart's deepest secrets everyday. That's why I'm here, and I'm trying to make my life interesting again.

September 2, 2009 isn't the best day ever in my life. It's supposed to be galaxy trip into another blackhole, in other words, a transition. I had so many plans. I failed yet again. But I'm trying to change for the Nth time.

It's September 20 now, and it doesn't make any difference if I start today right? Though it's 18 days after my due date for change, It's still September 2 + 0.

You'll be seeing more of me.

Let's shut him down!

Of crushes... It finally occurred to me that he isn't the tall, dark and handsome, knight in shining armor, schoolboy I want. Yes, he is tall, dark and handsome, but there's something about him that terrifies me. I had a ridiculously bad dream about him and a former classmate. I won't go in to the details but it was really bad. And I'm scarred, for life.

It annoys me to know that he's using my favorite color as his "name". Not good Mr. D, not good.

A

Living alone isn't so very happy.

Yeah I can get to do anything I want to. Kids think that being home alone is so cool, well I don't. I hate the silence. I love it when the timing is appropriate. I am a person who loves to have somebody around her, a person or two. I just hate doing household chores because I'm doing it all for myself. I am proud that I'm able to do things independently now like I'm running this household all by myself but the fact that this house is so empty, makes me sad.

My mom left again for her work. My uncle has a different world now with his girlfriend. My special someone went to a far away place. They all left me alone. It's a good yet depressing thing.

I'm just used to having so many people around me; my mom making meals, going home every after work hours; my uncle watching the television; and him texting me every waking day, fighting with me, joking around, talking for hours;

It's a new thing being alone. I guess I just have to live with it.

..and I promise myself to never live alone when I get old.

This is the first day of my life.

I have to go away for a while. Have my alone time and stare into the horizon and the oblivion. I want to sit in a quiet place and have flashbacks on how my life has been since I started college; all of the people that I met, the person that I love and how I grew so much. I am a lot more different from who I was in high school.

I don't know why I'm having THIS. Perhaps I feel like I'm getting old, and as the days add up, I feel as if my world is getting way more complicated. In the real world, I'm not a kid anymore. In my unconscious thoughts, I'm 17. But in my utopia, I'll forever be 8.

This is the first day of my life.

Another One

So I'm given another chance to turn my life around and set it to the way it was before. Zero lovelife, more time for school, friends and other things that I didn't have time for when I was stupidly ogling at somebody who wasn't meant to be my prince. Eww, mushy stuff.

I hate having headaches after lovely afternoon naps. Instead of feeling refreshed, I woke up to a stiff neck and a bad headache. Time to resort to my lovely friend, Biogesic.

Uni starts tomorrow and I've never been happier. Okay that was a lie. I'm not in a cheery mood right now, more like morose, thanks to you break-up. But I felt a little tingle in my stomach when Wednesday was fast approaching. I'm loving it now but in a few weeks time, I'll hate Wednesdays more than ever.

I hope everything turns out awesome tomorrow. I miss my loony friends. *sigh*