Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Battle With Indecision

A sole word has been playing around my mind and has been bothering me to some extent. I couldn't exactly put to words how much it has been affecting me the second I left the bomb-shelter that is college. Crisis. Quarter-life Crisis to be exact. Wikipedia defined it as:
The quarterlife crisis is a term applied to the period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the early twenties to the early thirties.

The on-going battle with indecision is making me exhausted. It would be comforting to at least know what I really want in life. What I really want to be. What I see my future as. All I see now is the blurry concoction of hopes, dreams and what I am supposed to be. Thinking of this is too much, yet so crucial to my future.

I think it's a bad thing that I still doubt myself as that person capable of proving to herself that this is where she is supposed to be. I keep telling myself that I am taking the right path. Talking to the right people. Taking the right measures. If I am doing things right, why do I feel like I don't want this?

I am stubborn for feeling this way. Kicking myself would be a great way to punish my stubborn self, if only I could do it. Detach my legs and beat my head with it. A grotesque imagery, but it's what I really need now.

My job interview yesterday provoked these thoughts again. Yes, I want to be in this line of profession, the medical field. The job interview was more of a lecture than the employer finding out what can I contribute to the work field. Yes, I am that person the employer was looking for. Even though I am a fresh blood in this profession, I believe I can deliver. I am still tracing everything that has happened that led me into thinking that the interview was a disaster. Perhaps, my self-esteem cooled down and started taking everything in a negative way, the opposite thought that the employer wanted to get through to me. Maybe I felt like I was shut up and wasn't able to prove to the lady that I can do a good job.

My mother tried to console me after by saying that "We will consider you" means that "You're half-way in". I gave her a weak smile to tell her that I appreciated the thought but no, it won't make me feel any better. It's a pain to remember this monumental milestone in my life.

It all comes down to one thought: Do I really want the job?


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