31 Days More...

...And I'll be declared dead.

I've been under the weather for weeks now. There's the noticeable change in my personality plus I've been getting much morose as the days add on. Heading to a depressed state? I don't think so but I think it's where I'll end up.

Relationship with a boy named A is sinking. I have no words to describe what we've gone through. We're not together anymore, but we've had constant communication from the day we officially called it quits. Our relationship is the understatement of ill. That thing they say "We're each others' oxygen", is probably true as one cannot live without the other. I can't breathe, not because he's not with me, but because I feel like I'm imprisoned. I want to break free from him. I want to forget him so bad that I cry every night while praying to God begging him to help me not love A anymore. I don't feel loved, I don't feel important when he's there. But I'm afraid to break free and leave him.

...and that's the story of My July.

Let's shut him down!

Of crushes... It finally occurred to me that he isn't the tall, dark and handsome, knight in shining armor, schoolboy I want. Yes, he is tall, dark and handsome, but there's something about him that terrifies me. I had a ridiculously bad dream about him and a former classmate. I won't go in to the details but it was really bad. And I'm scarred, for life.

It annoys me to know that he's using my favorite color as his "name". Not good Mr. D, not good.

A

Living alone isn't so very happy.

Yeah I can get to do anything I want to. Kids think that being home alone is so cool, well I don't. I hate the silence. I love it when the timing is appropriate. I am a person who loves to have somebody around her, a person or two. I just hate doing household chores because I'm doing it all for myself. I am proud that I'm able to do things independently now like I'm running this household all by myself but the fact that this house is so empty, makes me sad.

My mom left again for her work. My uncle has a different world now with his girlfriend. My special someone went to a far away place. They all left me alone. It's a good yet depressing thing.

I'm just used to having so many people around me; my mom making meals, going home every after work hours; my uncle watching the television; and him texting me every waking day, fighting with me, joking around, talking for hours;

It's a new thing being alone. I guess I just have to live with it.

..and I promise myself to never live alone when I get old.

This is the first day of my life.

I have to go away for a while. Have my alone time and stare into the horizon and the oblivion. I want to sit in a quiet place and have flashbacks on how my life has been since I started college; all of the people that I met, the person that I love and how I grew so much. I am a lot more different from who I was in high school.

I don't know why I'm having THIS. Perhaps I feel like I'm getting old, and as the days add up, I feel as if my world is getting way more complicated. In the real world, I'm not a kid anymore. In my unconscious thoughts, I'm 17. But in my utopia, I'll forever be 8.

This is the first day of my life.