Pauline's Christmas Wishlist

It's that time of the year again where you cry because you didn't get the things on your treasured wishlist. Hehe. Why so mean? Because I can be mean and I look like The Grinch when I wince. I'm mean (sometimes) but unlike the Grinch, I love Christmas. It's the only time where family and friends forget their differences, and hidden dislike for each other (gladly, we don't have those feelings). Good people around you and food you get to eat only during the holidays. Diet? What diet?

The last time I posted a Christmas wishlist was when I was still using Diary-X as my blog host. I never posted another one after that. I figured it wouldn't come true anyway. And at that time, I didn't consider listing things that are attainable and affordable. I'll do it right this time.

The list! The list!





1. Owl Jewelry
 I do not care if I will be called as the Owl lady. C'mon, how can you not like these things? I'm not an avid fan of jewelry. My mom once asked me why I can't appreciate beautiful things such as diamonds, pearls and gold necklaces. My answer: Because they make my skin itch. But because we are taking about these magical owls as part of my outfit, as far as I know, I love jewelry.





2. Postcard Sets
Postcrossing has played a big part in my life as a bum. So far I've received 17 postcards from 11 countries and I want more! It's addicting, I tell ya. The idea is pure genius. I'm slowly easing into trading postcards and tags in the forum. Our local postcard designs here are redundant and you can't find much variety in them. It would be nice to see something new among my slowly growing collection. DC Comics and book covers? They scream my name.





3. Mobile Scanner
I've been asking my mom for a baby Shih Tzu eversince I saw those cute ones in Tiendesitas. Since I moved to the province and my grandparents have experience with these kind of dogs, I thought finally getting a dog would be a good idea. I've pondered on how much attention this breed needs and frankly, I think I won't have enough time to tend to their needs. Yes, my grandparents would occasionally take over but I'm still responsible for that future dog.

This is what I asked for instead. Main reason of wanting this is for scanning the postcards I received. Ridiculous. But I know this hobby would be a permanent one and a scanner could really help. Another use for this is for authorization letters. I left some important things in Manila and I can't just fly there and take care of it.
I ask my sister to do them for me. Haha.

I will probably get a regular scanner.

The Brownout Debacle

I luckily didn't break my left leg.

It's times like these, when you look back and say, "Oh hello there stupidity. You came at a very bad time."

It was Tuesday night. I was reading Big Bang Theory fanfiction, when the lights turned off. No, this is not the climax yet. My uncle came out with battery powered neon lights and set them up with the chandelier. It was bright again. This house has a long history of ghosts, white ladies and magical creatures. Of course I was scared to go down in my room alone. So, I chatted for a while with my grandmother at the sala and repeatedly told her that I was scared. I was half expecting her to tell me she'll come with me but she yawned, signalling me that she's going to sleep. I was left at the sala, so I had no other choice but to go down and lock myself up in my little box. Armed with candles and stupidity, I warily came down the stairs. I was so close to getting off the stairs safely. Long story short: I missed the third step and landed with my left leg first. Considering my weight and the force of impact, I am thankful all I got was a sprained ankle.

I need to walk by the 15th. Guh.

Life So Far, Etc.

I like to pretend I've been doing the world some good while I was away from this webplace. The truth is I've been polluting the couch of my grandparent's house and leeching off their food. Couchsurfing, I think, is the term. Not using it exactly in the right context, but I think you get what I mean. I'm currently in the province, seeking for greener pastures. Pun not intended.

I've been waiting for this text from a Nursing Supervisor in one of the hospitals here. The waiting is killing me. It's something I actually want to happen. Experience from a regional hospital is an impressive addition to my dead resume. I do have plans on working in other countries for the sole purpose of earning money for books, postcards, stamps, and more books. Selfish. When this week started, I promised myself I would go through my review exams to prepare for the hospital assessment exam. If I've stayed true to that promise, I wouldn't be working on this right now.

I'm keeping a written journal as of now. With too much time on my hands, I was able to put into mind to write about my boring adventures, inside the house of course. Do you want to know my very enjoyable routine?

• 6:30 AM: I wake up automatically. The province has this effect on people. It makes them wake up early. Living beside a main road might be the main contributing factor to that effect, at least for me.
• 8:00 AM: After breakfast, my daily internet rounds happen. Check Gmail, Yahoo Mail, Tumblr, Facebook and then spend time in the Postcrossing Forum for no reason at all. If I get bored, I play The Sims. Then I would get fidgety and check the forum and my e-mail alternately for the rest of the morning.
• 11:45 AM: Lunch
• 1:30 PM: Resume activities
• 6:00 PM: Dinner
• 7:00 PM onwards: Resume checking the forum and my e-mail until I feel sleepy. 

What an exciting life! Are you jealous of my free time and unemployed state? I get to waste time and focus on getting fat while you work your ass off in that merciless workplace. 

Honestly, I feel bad for the state I am in right now. 

Dark Place

It might be the stress I've been trying to avoid. I just know it would be one of these days where I have to face the problem.

I'm really worrying about my future. When you're being shoved into doing something that might be monumental for your life, you should be thankful. But the word "shoved" in this context roughly means you're being "forced" into an opportunity that they think might be good for your future. I'm thankful that they're helping me, but forcing me into something won't help me grow.

I don't even know if this intervention by my relatives will result into something positive and beneficial. Too late for regrets now eh.

I know I'm not hopeless, but I feel like it.

Widely Known Profession

It's another one of those weeks where I have so much free time in my hands, I don't even know what to do with it. Being productive is negative since I haven't been productive, productive in quite a few months. Sure I've done some origamis, took some pictures, looked for trouble in the right places - but that doesn't scream productive in the way I scream productive, if you know what I mean.

In these three months, I've been pretty useless for mankind. Take long afternoon naps, get a headache after. Did the world attain world peace? No. Did my mom like me lounging around the house all day? No. Did my sister like me poking around her daily business? No. Comparing myself to my friends - they're up there, I'm down here. They look for jobs, I'm "Juana Tamad" waiting for a job offer to knock at my door.






So here I am, instead, discovering the wonderful world of movies and fiction. Watching movies I haven't heard before. Reading books everyone has been raving about (except that one about vampires, 'cause I stopped reading halfway through Eclipse when I figured out things were too much for me) and I've seen with great reviews and ratings. Getting a new TV that plays .avi and .mkv files also added to the excitement of not spending money on pirated DVDs.

I'm running out of things to do.

The Battle With Indecision

A sole word has been playing around my mind and has been bothering me to some extent. I couldn't exactly put to words how much it has been affecting me the second I left the bomb-shelter that is college. Crisis. Quarter-life Crisis to be exact. Wikipedia defined it as:

The quarterlife crisis is a term applied to the period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the early twenties to the early thirties.

The on-going battle with indecision is making me exhausted. It would be comforting to at least know what I really want in life. What I really want to be. What I see my future as. All I see now is the blurry concoction of hopes, dreams and what I am supposed to be. Thinking of this is too much, yet so crucial to my future.

I think it's a bad thing that I still doubt myself as that person capable of proving to herself that this is where she is supposed to be. I keep telling myself that I am taking the right path. Talking to the right people. Taking the right measures. If I am doing things right, why do I feel like I don't want this?

The Mandatory Where The Hell Have You Been Post (A Month in The Making)

Hi.

This is not the real The Mandatory Where The Hell Have You Been Post (A Month in The Making) entry. This is me filling out the sad space that has been gathering dust in this side of cyberspace.

I have been pre-occupied with what grown-ups do when they finish college and pass their required board exam. Bum around for a few months, then surprise myself by trying to take on adult responsibilities. Like how my The Sims 2 character, Eon, magically turns into an adult in just 2 weeks.

It's been hell today. I don't know if what happened today is really hell or I just made myself believe it is. There's a first for everything, today is another milestone in my adult life.

-

Blog wise, I've been planning on making a simpler layout with big spaces to fill with photos. More pretty pictures (or the lack thereof), less mumbo-jumbo. I've been writing and thinking about Arms at Ready everywhere. The thought of making something out of it is exhilarating.

The Adult Life

I should've made this the day I turned 20.

I had no intentions on making changes when I turned 20. It's nice to set goals but please, I still don't take me, being an adult seriously. Well, I see the problem now. I spent my birthday with my mom and people I barely know. My mother thought it would be a good idea to bring me along to La Union and while she packs her things and relieve herself from her assignment there, I go to some spa and enjoy myself. I thought it would be a good idea to go with her because I can have more "alone time" and I can finish reading  The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (which I've never finished, until now). I never got to do what I really wanted. It was okay, but I still wished I spent it with the whole family, and friends, if it was possible.

I passed the Nursing Licensure Exam and I'm extremely thankful that my prayer has been answered. Siguro hindi naman ako ipapasa ni God kung wala sa plano niyang maging Nurse ako. Let's just leave it at that.

-----

I thought it was a big thing. You know, turning 20. The BIG 2-0, I used to say. I thought it will make you feel great and amazing. I thought it was a life changing monumental event. I thought something would spark within me... It just feels the same. I don't know if it's the hormones. I surely know it's not that time of the month. But I bet that there's a psychologic reaction to my age-changing. I felt as if I already have a shitload of responsibilities, stop acting like a teenager- 'cause I'm no longer one, start being an adult. Maybe it's the 'cause of unemployment? A reaction to weight gain, boredom, sedentary lifestyle and my mother, now, constantly reminding me to look for work? Whatever it is, the fact that I'm a year older will scream in my face everytime I procrastinate.

I better start moving.

The Major Butterflies In Your Stomach Event of 2010

It's results week, and it is nerve-wracking. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think next week is the last week of August. Next next week is quite impossible to be the last week of August, since it's halfway between the last days of August and the start of September (start of the Christmas season, and yay my birthday!).

Waiting is worse than taking the exam itself. When you take the exam, you're nervous but then you tell yourself over and over again to be confident. So you succeed and don't panic because you've conditioned yourself to answer the questions based on your understanding, critical thinking and stored knowledge. In regards to waiting for the result; yes you could divert your attention, you could apply for a job. But the thought will still linger, did you or did you not pass? What will happen when the results come out? I'm really anxious and I could vomit any minute now, please release the results, I beg you! Have mercy!

I am not very good with coping with anxiety and stress when it comes to these things. I mean, this is life changing. This is not some test you take in college, feel okay if you fail because you've done extremely well in other tests. I will not feel okay if I fail. No, I won't go as far as killing myself because of the depression that will come along with it. Congratulations! You failed! Please take the depression as your consolation prize! Just imagine the shame, the ruined expectations, the oh-my-god-I'm-so-terrible thoughts, questions like: Am I stupid? Am I not destined to be a (insert hoped profession here)? Now, putting myself in a jolly disposition and with a positive attitude, I'm going to pass, *wink *wink. Despite the bad coping mechanisms, a positive attitude and a hopeful insight are the things that makes me go through the day with less worries.

But still, I am quite nervous about the results. Wish me good luck please.

Good luck future nurses of the Philippines.

Weekly Roundup

Gather round, gather round.

Since there are so many distractions¹ ever since I came back from the province, many tall tales weren't told. As much as I wanted to write about things that happened to me in the past few week/s, I was too preoccupied with doing what bums do. So here's a sort of weekly roundup, from the time I came back here to today, not much has happened, but dammit, I want to write about it.



1 Books I bought today (technically yesterday, since it's 2 in the morning). So this is how it feels like. When you have enough money to splurge on books and not feel a tiny bit guilt from doing so. It's a different feeling when you come home with books you had your eyes on for what seems like forever. And Thank God!  for NBS'/Bestseller's sale!

• Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer 
• Franny and Zooey, J.D. Salinger
• Journey to the Center of the Earth, Jules Verne 

2 A ceramic owl from Saizen² and The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy by Douglas Adams. The same Sunday I arrived back from Legazpi. A little Saizen tarpaulin caught my attention and it reminded me of Ms. Lauren's post about the store. My sister and I dragged our mom to the store. Who had the power to resist cheap, cute and useful things? After frolicking around the store for some time, my sister showed me that little gem. She knows how much I wanted to have an owl figurine. After many failed attempts of acquiring one, we found this owl without any effort. Before going home we stopped by National Bookstore to buy my sister's dissecting kit for her Biology class. I saw the book, grabbed it and didn't look back.



3 One of the things that has kept me occupied for days now (I don't watch Dora btw). This is the reason why I spent a large amount of my time looking for BRrips of movies I have on my "to-watch" list. I might sound ignorant but holy cow, this, by far, is the greatest thing we've had in our lives. Download a movie, transfer to portable harddrive, plug it in the tv, enjoy. I also had the privilege to assemble the stand for the TV.

I'm proud of that little thing even though all I did was to put the screws in and mount the TV on the stand. The latter was a bit tricky to do since I had to assemble it all by myself.

I'm glad the family taught us to do stuff like these.


Well, those were the interesting things that happened to me for the past week. Yes, these things already seem interesting for a bum like me. And yay! I was able to write about it!

———
¹ Fast internet connection, the new tv, downloading qued stuff, arranging my bookshelves, unpacking, being a bum.
² Just in case. It's the original Daiso. They sell almost every kind of stuff there, at low price of 85 pesos. No, this isn't an ad. I just thought of telling you. ;)

Catch up

Soon she's down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam

Not busy, not at all.

The reason why I drag myself to write blog entries now is that I want to feel like I'm doing something. It's been a while. I am sincerely writing this because I feel like it and not because I feel it's an obligation to update this. Since I have so much spare time in my hands, this could be a part of a daily or a weekly routine. Oh, yes, not really.

When I was trying to get rid of school-related objects in my room, I found this brown recycled notebook I used to write on when I was an angst-ridden, lovestruck teenager. It wasn't that long ago, I still even remember forcing myself to finish a little essay about Koreanovelas. Hah! Of all the things to write about in this universe, I thought of that. Anyway, the notebook contained this part I intended on filling with essays about love teams and individuals that were interesting to me. I noticed I was very fond of Simon Cowell, Daniel and Emma, Lovers in Paris, Clay and Kelly (without acknowledging the fact that Clay could be gay), and the classic Harry/Hermione. Well there are far more people in there, but I couldn't mention them without embarrassing myself. As corny and weird as it may seem, I actually enjoyed it during that time. It's a proof that I was once an irrational fangirl that overlooked the facts and believed what I wanted to believe in. I wanted to whack myself in the head with the notebook and bury it where no living soul could find it. But I'll treasure it, it also serves as a reminder that I once aspired to be a writer and that in one point in my life I almost filled a notebook with random babbling.

Ah hell, up to now, looking at my recent posts, I still sound like a 12 year old girl with a sparkly blog. Some things never change.

The wormhole spitted me out.

Hey. Hi.

God knows how long I've been gone, eh, about 7 months. Oh look at that! I've been having these urges, you know; plans, I sometimes call them. It's an on and off thing. There are times when you badly want to blog because you want to, but then again you don't get to do it because it's exhausting. Exhausting because I'll mix it with my studying for the storm that is the NLE.

So, yes, many things have happened in the 7 months that I've been on hiatus. Graduation, board exam, and now me being a colossal bum. Anyway, this blog only served as a Plan B when I feel like putting my hands into work when my mouth can't express how shitty or great my day is. It's also the other option when my thoughts are too long or too personal to be put in tumblr. Hehe.

Hey there! I'm a new graduate. Well, it's been 3 months now. And as much as I want to catch up with all the things I missed while I was reviewing, I really want to work now. The bad thing is, as of now, I don't want any work relating to the medical field. Oh, what the hell am I saying? I'll probably take this back when I start working. I'll start missing on the things that I want to do or watch or read. Honestly, I don't have a clear career path. Hell, I don't even have a plan. What will I do with my life? I'd like to think I'm still in the "Denial" stage of "Oh hey, I'm a kid fresh off college and now what?"stages.

As of now, I'm a bum. Alagang baboy as my mom would like to call me. Like I'm hibernating for the winter. Maybe it's the hidden anxiety from wondering if I passed the board exam (I still have to wait for 2 mos before the results are released) or maybe it's just extreme boredom and the thought that I still want to do so much but I don't know how to.

The "eat, sleep, series marathon, fic reading" routine could suffice for the time being.