Monday, June 13, 2011

Realization (And The Infinite Sadness)

I used to spend a lot of my, as I'd like to call it, in-between free time (the lag period between post-graduation and training) on Tumblr - discovering a new different set of people. People who are actually cool and I wished I knew in real life. I'm not the 13 year old kid who used to talk to everyone she meets online, so I follow and stay quiet and be amazed at how awesome these people are. Thanks to them I opened my ears and eyes to limitless number of films, books, bands and crazy good music which are most of the time obscure and/or classic. Though it's quite late to think of it, I set myself on at least being half of what these people are. Now, I always feel unaccomplished whenever I compare myself to these 20-something year-olds. I envy them because they're happy with what they are doing... and I'm not.

Believing that I'm still experiencing quarter-life crisis, I convinced myself on continuing what I've already started doing. Try it out for a year or two and see what happens. But almost 5 months into it, I'm already feeling tired and drained. Both drained of energy and interest for this job. It doesn't help that a lot of the people I've met in this training are old hags and witches. Yes it's a rough world out there and nobody, NOBODY could have it that easy (Okay, maybe kids like, oh I dunno, Paris Hilton), I understand that.

I feigned my extreme headache so I could skip work today. I'm not getting paid anyway. I'm just tired and I need a big bear hug from someone who could comfort me and encourage me to hold on. Only a few people could do that and they're so far away from me, it's making me depressed.

I hate that I'm so pessimistic. I spend a lot of time everyday convincing myself that what I'm doing will benefit me in the long run. This is experience and experience means job with pay and job with pay means overseas work and overseas work means lots of money. This third-world mentality is ridiculous.

I just want to be happy with what I'm doing. You can't love what you're not happy with.


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